It was a slow weekend at the Squid-o-dome, so I decided to actually read my spam to see if there was anything interesting. There wasn’t, of course, but hey, you never know. I did, however, receive this wonderful news:
This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of 1,000,000 (British Pounds) held on the 16th of April 2010 in London (United Kingdom). The selection process was carried out through random selection in Our computerized email selection system (ESS) London Uk. Fill the below:
You are to indicate the option suitable for you in releasing your funds
1. BANK TO BANK TRANSFER.
2. DELIVERY BY CERTIFIED CHEQUE
8.Country Of Residence:
Agent Name: Mr. Fred Peters
Feeling bored, I decided to reply with the relevant information:
1.Full Name: Heywood Jeblohmi
2.Full Address: 24 Sussex Dr., Ottawa, ON K1A 0K5, Canada
3.Marital Status: Communal with 3 wives and 1 other husband
4.Occupation: Poultry Industry (chicken choker)
6.Sex: Often. I have 3 wives.
7.Nationality: Weimar German
8.Country Of Residence: Canada
9.Telephone Number: +1-888-495-8501 (work, toll-free)
I hereby authorize you to deduct the sum of 200,000 GBP (two-hundred-thousand) to cover any fees, charges, frauds, bills, and so forth. Please remit the remainder, in gold bullion based on the current spot price, to the address above.
I figured that would be the last I’d hear from them, but no… they’re actually interested! This game in this morning. The bolding is theirs. I guess it’s REALLY important, so it had to be bold:
The British National Lottery
P O Box 1010
3b Olympic Way, Sefton Business Park,
Aintree, Liverpool , L30 1RD
Ticket number:56475600545 188
Lucky Numbers: 05,06,17,20,28,42(Bonus33
Claims Processed On Behalf Of Winner
Dear: Heywood Jeblohmi
Congratulations on emerging as one of our lucky award winners! BRITISH NATIONAL LOTTERY offers awards to Lucky owners of selected emails that came out in our Random Draws. You have therefore been approved to go ahead and claim your funds which amounts to 1,000,000 (One million pounds sterling). This sum is gathered from our Sponsors consisting of over 100,000 websites and association.
To get your funds transfered to you, we have processed your claims and the winning amount has been transfered to our payment bank for immediate transfer to you .Your funds have been adequately insured by an Insurance Firm here in the UK. With the context of this insurance, your funds are RESTRICTED from been tampered with by any other person till they are remitted to you.
Please, contact our payment bank responsible for the transfer of your funds to you. To contact them, please make use of the following contact details:
Bank Name: ALLIED IRISH BANK
Account Officer: THOMAS COX.
Hot Line-For Emergencies call:
TEL:+44 703 197 0756
NB: SEND ALONG SIDE YOUR EMAIL TO THE BANK YOUR VERIFICATION FORMS TO ENABLE THEM GET BACK TO YOU QUICKLY.
*Name of Beneficiary ————–
*Email Address: —————
*Next of Kin: ————–
*In Figures: ———–
*Name and telephone Number of Fiduciary agent ———————–
Thank You and once again, Congratulations!
Mr Fred Peters. email@example.com
I guess they don’t quite understand the little joke of the name, so I responded with this information:
> *Name of Beneficiary: Heywood Jeblohmi
> *Address: 24 Sussex Dr.
> *City/State: Ottawa, Ontario
> *Nationality: Canada
> *Sex: Often, probably more often once I have a million pounds.
> *Email Address: firstname.lastname@example.org
> *Tel: +1-888-495-8501 (my work number, easiest to reach me, toll free)
> *Occupation: Senior Manager
> *Next of Kin: Ehcood Jeblohmi
> *Age: 47
> *AMOUNT WON:
> *In Figures: 1000000 GBP
> *Name and telephone Number of Fiduciary agent: I.P. Knightly, CPA
Please note that due to my religious beliefs, I cannot accept cheques or money orders or other paper instruments of financial exchange. It will be necessary to remit the amount in gold or silver bullion, or coin. This note authorizes the Allied Irish Bank, its agents and representatives, to deduct the amount of 200000 (two hundred thousand) GBP from the total in order to cover the administration and bar charges associated with converting the remaining 800000 (eight hundred thousand) GBP into bullion and shipping it to Canada. I know that this conversion will not be a problem for such a reputable bank.
If you have any questions, please contact me at work. I do not have a telephone at my ordinary residence as I live in a rural area.
I wonder how long I can keep them going. By wasting time with my responses, they’re not frauding other people, so this is actually costing them money while simultaneously allowing fools to not be as soon parted from their money.
The”work” telephone number is the PhoneBusters hotline. I would love to get the recording of some guy with a Nigerian accent calling there and asking for Heywood Jeblohmi. The address is, of course, the Prime Minister of Canada. I am certain that if £800,000 shows up, it will be mostly donated to the Receiver General, although I am not worried about that happening.
If anything humourous develops, I’ll let you all know 🙂
Wow… they are quick. They responded by asking me for £360 up front just now. So here is my response:
As mentioned in my previous note, my religious beliefs prevent me from using paper exchange instruments, or banks. I only deal in bullion and coin. You have my authorization to deduct 200000 from the winnings in order to process the remainder into coin and bullion and ship it to me. You are welcome to keep what is left of the 200000 once all the fees are paid.
I understand that my religious beliefs complicate this matter slightly. Therefore, I have contacted my shaman and he assures me that if you were to send me an appropriate letter to the address you have on file for me, that it will not offend our deity as it will be a show of good faith on your part.
Please send me a letter that states:
We present this to you Mr. Jeblohmi as a show of good faith. We do this voluntarily with all due reverence to the great Cthulhu. May he forever sleep. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn. Iä Iä Cthulhi Fhtagn!
In this way, the tenets of my religion will be upheld and we may proceed without the burden of sin that will open Yog Sothoth.
Wow, they get right on this stuff. I checked my email again and they’ve sent me a reply. The salient bit of it is this:
For two reasons we cannot deduct from your prize as suggested. The reasons are:
1) Your funds has already been deposited here by National Lottery Payment Officer The amount deposited here is the full value of your Prize-money. We are thus unable to deduct any fee from your funds.
2) Due to very strict policies laid down by the UK Lottery Affairs Commission, we are unable to process the transfer of your winning funds by deducting from your prize money. These policies have been put in place to check previously experienced mishandling and/or misappropriation of winner’s funds, we are obligated to act in line with these policies.
So i advice you to look for the transfer fee and make this payment, If I were in your shoes I will make full use of it by all possible means.
Given that I am pretty sure they do not get requests to deduct the money and proceed, they must be hand-writing the reply. That’s awesome. Here is my response:
Unfortunately, my religion forbids me from proceeding otherwise. I am certain that you can understand the very real threat of Cthulhu’s eternal damnation.
Since you have my documented authorization, there should be no problem. I have checked with my barrister and solicitor (Dewey, Cheatum and Howe) and they have assured me that Irish banking laws explicit permit email authorization of account access. I have telephoned Sir Hugh G. Rection, the Senior Director of Claims and Chicanery at the UK Lottery Affairs Commission in London, and he now has a note on file authorizing the release of the 200000 pounds as I specified. He assures me that all is in order, although I was surprised that he made a snide remark about your upstanding bank.
Without the conversion to coin or bullion, and the appropriate offering prayer in Cthulhu’s name, I will be forced to let the money sit in the account until it is claimed by the Irish government as a stale account. Better to be poorer in money but richer in spirit, than richer in money and damned in sin. Although members of my order do not take a vow of poverty, our Lord Cthulhu, through his prophet Nyarlathotep revealed to us in the Necronomicon (like the Qu’ran or Bible for members of our faith) that we cannot utilize the services of banks nor deal the the exchange of unholy paper instruments. I am certain that we can, however, reach mutually agreeable terms.
Perhaps you could front the 360 pounds and the fees associated with converting the amount to bullion? Obviously, you know I have a million pounds and am good for the money. Iä! Iä! Cthulthu Fhtagn!
Here’s the latest… Apparently, they’ve been granted a knighthood now!
Dear: Heywood Jeblohmi
This is to inform that there is know way we the Allied Irish Bank can transfer your winning funds without the transfer fee is been paid by you,So you are advice proceed western union and make the payment of 360 pounds to our account officer.
Sir Thomas Cox
Chief Operation Officer.
For: Allied Irish Bank.
And, of course, my reply:
Hello Sir Thomas;
It is agreeable to hear from you. Given your last name, I wonder if you are a distant relative of mine. There is a branch of the Jeblohmi family that carries the Cox surname. Perhaps you have heard of Harry Cox, currently operating a hair salon in Sussex? Lotta Fagina married Baronet Turgid Cox in 1743 and became Lady Lotta Cox, taking over the family fortune on the death of her husband. She was the matron of the family branch that moved here to Canada in 1785. Her son Iluv Cox was the owner of the first hairdresser on Manitoulin Island. Her grandson was granted a knighthood (Sir Kunseys Cox) after his engineering team dug what we now call the Manicouagan Crater (back then it was used for a quarry).
But I digress.
My religion forbids me from using paper transfer services. I thought I had made that clear. Surely you cannot, with a clear conscience, quibble about a mere 360 pounds to keep a million from a deeply spiritual man?
I haven’t heard from them in nearly 24 hours. I guess they’re on to my wasting their time. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.